Hangover talk...?

Fuxing Road is a special place. I've always felt good walking along it. Especially on a sunny spring or autumn afternoon. Of course anyone who has walked along Fuxing Road will know how ridiculously long it is so I'd just like to clarify that I'm specifically talking about a short stretch in the French Concession.

Today, as Jane and I were taking a stroll along that magical stretch, I couldn't help but feel dread. That would be the same dread I've been feeling for months but what really made me want to write about it today was something I heard in a speech by Steve Jobs this afternoon. Apparently he'd ask himself the same question every single morning.

'If I know I'm going to die today, am I happy with where I am in my life?'

I'm not sure if that's word for word but it was something like that. If the answer is 'NO' over a period of time, then it's time for a change. But change to what...? I always fancied myself as a creative type, but honestly, doesn't everyone deep down want to be a creative type? Don't we all secretly want to be timeless with our words, paintings, movies or pictures being used, loved, revered by the generations that come along after we have departed? Whoever dreamt of being an Operations Manager when they were a kid?

So what to do? I talked to Jane about it and maybe the message that came out of me was a bit negative. She's sat opposite me quietly reading a magazine and looking worried. I guess I can't see any value in what I do and that's a real killer. What makes it worse is that I'm not entirely sure what I do anymore, it's certainly not what my job title states. Flexibility is ruining my life! Too much of it makes you lose focus of the target, the point, the objective, that thing that made you want to take the job in the first place... What made me take this job? Maybe it was desperation, I just needed something to do.

So why the current dread? Try 3 weeks of training to people who couldn't care less on topics I have no interest in. I think I fear crowds and yet I've almost always worked with them. I dislike other people's ideologies and work ethics and yet I have never really worked for myself. I don't like reading books on theory and yet my field is theory heavy. How the fuck did I get here? I mean, it's as though I've gone out of my way to make my existence as difficult as possible. Is this normal behavior? Does anyone else do this?

So earlier, I asked what I should do. I actually have no idea. Starting a blog was my first reaction. Whether this helps or not remains to be seen. Maybe I should start asking the Steve Jobs question, but if I don't do anything about the answer, it will only succeed in making me feel even more wretched. Actually with my track record of doing things that will obviously make me feel awful, asking that very question is probably exactly what I will do. Consistency is the key!